Archive for the 'Satire' Category
Pete the Pet Leopard
Friday, October 19th, 2007
Snake Head Found in Can of Beans
Monday, June 18th, 2007PHILADELPHIA - Earl Hartman was a little rattled by something he says he found in a can of green beans: a snake head. The Philadelphia man said he found the inch-long head on his plate Wednesday night, right between a chicken breast and buttered noodles. He said it came out of the green bean can.
“When I sat down, I noticed something didn’t look right,” Hartman told WCAU-TV. “It didn’t look like a green bean.”
Hartman said he called the Pathmark store where he bought the beans, and got a call back from Seneca Foods in upstate New York, where the vegetables were canned.
Rich Savner, a spokesman for Carteret, N.J.-based Pathmark Stores Inc., told Mr. Hartman that he had purchased Seneca’s new “Beans and Snakeparts” product. Hartman confirmed Savner’s suspicion by checking the label of his can.
“Sure enough, there it was. The can shows a snake coiled up on top of a large pot of baked beans.” said Hartman. “I’ll have to read the lable more closely next time.”
Seneca foods has introduced the Beans and Snakeparts product in response to the large obesity problem the United States currently faces. Snake meat is one of the only meats known to be high in protein and antioxidents, while being extremely low in fat. Seneca’s snakes are raised in a controlled environment and are fed high protein corn meal as well as cow meat. Seneca stresses that their snakes do not eat mice or rats.
My Pillsbury Bake-Off Submission
Sunday, May 27th, 2007The Pillsbury Bake-Off contest has been around for nearly 60 years, and is the largest cooking contest in the world, offering the winner a million dollar grand prize. Judges are sure to see some awsome dishes, full of exotic ingredients, and impeccable presentation.
I, too, am known as a bit of a culinary artist. My PB&J is actually spelled with nine letters. One of my favorite dishes is Hamburger Lifesaver. Add 2 rolls of Lifesavers hard candy to Hamburger Helper, spicen up with some ‘Emeril’s Essance’ and BAM, you have one freakin awesome meal.
However, I expect my submission this year’s Pillsbury Bake-Off to eclipse all of my other creations. I call it Frankeroni and Cheese, and you can find the recipe below.
Frankeroni and Cheese
Ingredients:
1 box macaroni and cheese
4 hot dogs
Preparation:
Prepare macaroni and cheese as directed. Slice hot dogs into thin slices. When the macaroni has been finished add the sliced hot dogs in. Heat until the hot dog slices are warm.
Don’t worry if your first try at this recipe doesn;t quite turn out right. It’s a tricky one. Keep on practicing, though, your tastebuds will thank you later.
Creationist Museum to Open in Kentucky
Saturday, May 26th, 2007A 27 million dollar creationist museum is set to open it’s doors Monday in Petersburg, Kentucky.
Parents who want stupid kids are welcome to pay $9.95 for kids and $19.95 for adults (gays can enter for $49.95 and must submit to 60 seconds of caining) to see how dinosaurs entered Noah’s ark, how incest can be a really good thing (Cain married his sister to start the largest family tree ever), and basically show us that the Bible should be interpreted word for word.
Gas up the short bus, Zeke, I’m ready to go.
Link to the museum website
Tom Selleck to Join Cast of TV’s ‘Las Vegas’
Wednesday, May 9th, 2007Selleck will join the cast of the NBC drama next season, playing a billionaire with a mysterious past and really short shorts.
“I’m older now than in my Magnum days ” Selleck said “My balls hang quite a bit lower than they used to, especially in the hot Vegas air, so wearing my short shorts takes quite a bit more preporation and awareness than I was expecting.” He Joked that he is “down with the challenge of keeping them up.”
Microhoo - Coming Soon???
Friday, May 4th, 2007Business week is reporting that Microsoft has stepped up its efforts to buy Yahoo. The potential aquisition would combine the 2nd and 3rd largest search providers to form the 5th largest provider of search in the world.
According to reports, Microsoft has asked Yahoo to enter formal negotiations for a deal that could be worth $50 billion. “Chump change” according to Micrsoft founder Bill Gates.
Gates added “Neither of us can get this search thing right, so we figured if you multiply two negatives, you get a positive.”
Chinglish Battle Great Odd Not Vanish For Complete by ‘08 Olympics
Wednesday, April 11th, 2007BEIJING (Reuters) - Beijing is unlikely to be totally free of Chinglish signs by the 2008 Olympics, but the government is increasing efforts to improve the capital’s once lamentable English, a senior official said on Wednesday.
“You not make sounds from your mouth in absolutes,” Liu Yang, deputy head of efforts to clean up Beijing’s pre-Olympic language problems, told a news conference.
“Me and I and you shall labor hard as be possible to lay water upon the problem and get many lives of the city involved,” he added. “Surely, it will still be on some Thursdays, but I surely believe we can make odds that once falsities might discover, made better they might live.”
China is littered with wrong, embarrassing and sometimes plain rude signs in Chinese English, examples of which often end up on the Internet, such as writing “oil gate” for a petrol station, and “the slippery are very crafty” — slippery when wet.
Liu said Beijing’s road signs had already been standardized and mistakes corrected, and by the end of this year the tourist, business, medical and public transport sectors would get the same treatment.
Residents and foreign visitors are being encouraged to report mistakes online or by telephone to the 35-person committee of experts charged with addressing the Chinglish problem, or directly to the offending company or government office.
“I process electrochemical brain activity so many melting pot of departments take from wallet great spotlight to problem,” said Liu, himself a fluent English speaker. “We getting ready future before it is present. People outlay many focused eyes to image in present time.”
Angry Radio Executives Chase Imus with Torches, Pitchforks
Monday, April 9th, 2007CBS Radio executives, angry with Don Imus for calling members of the Rutgers women’s basketball team “nappy-headed hos”, chased him through a Northern New Jersey village with pitchforks and torches. A visibly shaken Imus seemed angry and confused at all the commotion.
When asked about his off-color remark, Imus repeatedly answered by tapping his feet and shouting the nonsensical phrase “Putten uhn dar its!!”
Sanjaya Hangs With Michael Jackson
Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007Where can you find American Idolist Sanjaya between twice weekly tapings of the show? Hanging with the King of Pop, of course.
Sanjaya Malakar and Michael Jackson are becoming fast friends. They hope to form a 1-2 pop punch to rival that of David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez in Boston. While Michael is busy putting together a Vegas show, he still finds the time to tutor the budding star.
“I’m teaching him how to sing, he’s teaching me to hula dance” Michael Jackson told an annoying Ryan Seacrest. “He’s such a lovely boy. I’m gonna get him drunk and … I mean show him my junk.. I mean school him in the art of funk.”
