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In an attempt to appeal to a younger generation of office supply buyers, Staples has announced socialite Paris Hilton as their new spokesperson.

Hilton will appear at numerous public events wearing the Staples “Easy” button. The marketing campaign, which will run through the Summer, is designed to demonstrate that buying office supplies is almost as easy as scoring with a sub-100 I.Q. rich blond.

“I’m a girl who is of an extremely easy persuation” Hilton stated. “And buying ink and paper at Staples is also extremely easy. I can often be found writing unintelligible letters to shipping heirs on paper and pens that I buy from Staples. Push my button, you’ll save 10%.”

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Taking advantage of baby-boomer aged men with subscriptions for Viagra, Hillary Clinton has raised a record setting $26 million with her adults-only site ClubHillary.com.

Members pay a monthly subscription fee of $9.99 for the privelege of peeking into the life of the former First Lady. ClubHillary.com lets members watch Hillary’s every move, from showering and sleeping to berating men and eating raw beef.

“After watching her over the past few months I have full confidence that a strong woman like Hillary would make a great president” says Joe Greenland, a member of ClubHillary.com. “Bill sits on the toilet when he pees, but Hillary stands proud. That’s the kind of leader this country needs.”

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In a move that comes as a shock to many, civil rights leader Jesse Jackson said Thursday he’s backing Democrat Barack Obama in his presidential bid, giving his support to to Obama “because he’s black” the Rev. Jackson told The Associated Press in a telephone interview.

Obama, 45, is biracial _ his white mother was from Kansas, his father Kenyan _ and educated at Ivy League universities.

In a statement responding to Jackson’s support, Obama said, “Please don’t tell Jesse my mom is white.”

Jackson could help Obama to secure the support of black voters, a critical bloc in the Democratic primaries.

Jackson has a long history with one of Obama’s chief rivals, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton and her husband former President Clinton. He counseled the two when the president’s affair with former White House intern Monica Lewinsky became public. Of the former president’s affair, Jackson remarked “I, too, have been known to carry a side piece from time to time.”

But Jackson said his history with the Clintons doesn’t complicate his decision to back his home state senator, calling Obama “a black man, like me.”

Asked why he was supporting Obama over his friend Clinton, Jackson answered “because he’s black.”

“It’s not awkward at all,” he added, “Everyone knows black is blind.”

Jackson said Obama has not asked him to campaign for him and he is not in Obama’s inner circle of advisers and fundraisers.

“I just have an appreciation of his skin tone,” Jackson said.

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A man has been taken to hospital in Australia after his kibbles and bits got caught in the machinery at a saw mill. A spokesman for Parafield Gardens Saw Mill said: ‘He got caught in the log moving mechanism on one of the saws.’

The Adelaide Advertiser reports that the accident is not thought to have had life-threatening consequences, but that there was a degree of uncontrollable bleeding involved. The injury could easily have been avoided had the machinery been fitted with a cock blocker.

The thirty-year-old man was taken to the Royal Adelaide Hospital where he was heard screaming “Who cares about the blood, save my dick!!!”

The spokesman maintained that the man’s injuries were not serious. Which is easy for him to say.

via Metro.co.uk

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DARWIN, Australia - An environmental group said Tuesday it had captured a “monster” toad the size of a small dog.

With a body the size of a football and weighing nearly 2 pounds, the toad is among the largest specimens ever captured in Australia, according to Frogwatch coordinator Graeme Sawyer.

“It’s huge, to put it mildly,” he said. “The biggest toads are usually females but this one was a rampant male … I would hate to meet his big sister.”

As part of its so-called “Toad Buster” project, Frogwatch conducts regular raids on local water holes, blinding the toads with bright lights then scooping them up by the dozen.

“We kill them with our onnoxious Australian breath, stockpile them in a big freezer and then put them through a liquid fertilizer process” that renders the toads nontoxic, Sawyer said.

He continued “I hate toads and all they stand for. ”

via MSNBC

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It has all the ingredients of a wedding. The proud tuxedo-clad father, the frosted white cake, the limousines and an exchange of vows.

But there is no groom and the girl in the long gown is no bride. She’s daddy’s little girl, there to take a vow of chastity.

In what is becoming a trend among conservative Christians in the United States, girls as young as nine are pledging to their fathers to remain virgins until they wed, in elaborate ceremonies dubbed “Purity Balls.”

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I too, have pledged myself to my father. I know I’m an almost 30 year old man. I know I’m married. But I read this article and it opened my eyes and my heart. I collected myself, picked up the phone and called my Dad. I pledged my purity to him, and he accepted, his voice quivering with raw emotion. He yelled at me for a while first, but that was just the whisky talking.

No more sex for me, Dad. My Adult Friend Finder subscription? Canceled, Dad. That rest stop on the N.J. Turnpike I liked to hang out at? No more, Pops. Strip clubs? Nope, it’s 4H club for me. Glory holes? A little spackle should take care of them.

Thanks Dad. You’re the best!

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Sometime between the founding of a student-run porn magazine (awesome) and the day the campus health center advertised “Free Lube,” (I’ll be in my bedroom) Harvard University seniors Sarah Kinsella (prude) and Justin Murray (blue balls) decided to fight back against what they see as too much mindless sex (what?) at the Ivy League school.

They founded a student group called True Love Revolution (blah blah blah) to promote abstinence (masterbation) on campus. The group, created earlier this school year, has more than 90 members (dorks) on its Facebook.com page and drew about half that many to an ice cream social (dork gathering).

Some feminists (bitches), in particular, have criticized True Love Revolution’s message.

Harvard student Rebecca Singh (slut) said she was offended by a valentine the group sent to the dormitory mailboxes of all freshmen. It read: “Why wait? Because you’re worth it.” (unless you’re ugly)

“I think they thought that we might not be ‘ruined’ yet (still tight),” Singh said. “It’s a symptom of that culture we have that values a woman on her purity (cherry). It’s a relic.”

Others on campus have mocked the group. Murray said his friends take pleasure in loudly, and graphically (humping motion), discussing (lying about) their sex lives just to taunt him.

“On campus there is such a strong attitude of pluralism (threesomes) and acceptance (orgies), but then it doesn’t extend to this (no one will sleep with me),” Kinsella said.

Harvard University seniors Justin Murray and Sarah Kinsella
founded the Harvard student group True Love Revolution
to promote abstinence on campus.

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Rescued scout Michael Auberry is horribly embarrased by the widely circulated photo showing him with messy, disheveled hair, and wearing a silver and blue basketball uniform.

Michael wasted no time hiring an image consultant to help him update his look. Michael has his sights set on the talk show circuit with a book deal in the works.

Here we present to you an exclusive peek at Michael’s new image:

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Ashley Ferl, the girl repeatedly shown crying while contestant Sanjaya Malakar performed, is opening up about her outpouring of emotion.

“I’m actually a huge fan of the Kinks, and I was horrified that Sanjaya would be bold enough to bastardize such a great song. I was seen crying and covering my mouth because I was in extremem pain. When he sang my bowels tightened, and I gritted my teeth so hard I chipped a tooth and some of my braces popped off. When he hugged me, I threw up a little in my mouth” said Ashley, sobbing quietly.

“All of you people who keep on voting for Sanjaya are morons. I hate you all. I hope I can move on from this travesty. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to listen to music again. All I can hear is a sound kind of like kittens fighting with monkeys. ”

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Thirteen-year-old Katharine Tuck’s sneakers are equal opportunity offenders. They smell as bad as they look. Now, the Utah seventh grader is $2,500 richer because of it: On Tuesday, she out-ranked six other children to win the 32nd annual National Odor-Eaters Rotten Sneaker Contest, stinking up the joint with a pair of well-worn 1 1/2-year-old Nikes so noxious they had the judges wincing.

“I’m so proud of the little stinker,” said her mother, Paula Tuck.

Asked how she managed to stink up her sneakers so well Tuck answered “the placenta from my little brother’s birth, a little bit of Taco Bell, and a lot of poop.”

Ah, the foul smell of success.

John McCain’s embarrasing brother Ted
acts as a judge at the stinky sneaker contest

via Yahoo

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